I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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