I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
