I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
