I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
