saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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