oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
