I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
