can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
