She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
