I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
