sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
we should paint friendship bongs
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