Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
