the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
only if we run a train.
done.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
