i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
