Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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