My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
