i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
