Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I need to calm my uterus...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
