so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
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did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
how drunk are you?
Several
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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