I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
