Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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