4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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