:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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