I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
