Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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