did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
