i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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