we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made him laugh his dick is mine