omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
