He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
True but thats because hes a fetus.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
