Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
