i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
