Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
