One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
