Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
