Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
