Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
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Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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