I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
