I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
third nipple confirmed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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