dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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