The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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