We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
