I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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