the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
