I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
