I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
