Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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