she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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