How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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