come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
