just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
