This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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