I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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