I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
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We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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