Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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