Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
