Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
