Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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