I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
