also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
