i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
